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| WARRIOR RETURNS |
Richard Luck |
The Ultimate Warrior returned to the ring after almost a decade away - and not all things age like fine wine...
On 25 October 1998 at the MGM Grand, Las Vegas, World Championship Wrestling is staging something of a make-or-break rematch. While the execs might like to believe otherwise, WCW is no longer the undisputed big dog on the American wrestling scene, with WWE having dragged itself off the canvas and set about readjusting the balance.
Aware that Vince McMahon has been doing great business ever since pushing “Stone Cold” Steve Austin to the moon and throwing Mike Tyson into the main event mix, Eric Bischoff has tried to boost ratings by having main man Hulk Hogan feud with the one major star never to have jobbed for him: The Ultimate Warrior.
Warrior – the muscle-bursting, nonsense-spouting nutcase formerly known as James Hellwig – has been relatively successful in attracting an audience since debuting for the Southern promotion. This in spite of the fact that he’s yet to work a match, has consistently cut terrible promos and has participated in a variety of bizarre skits, in which Hogan stooge Ed Leslie has been forced to assume the sort of poses more closely associated with the S&M scene.
With the feud in danger of dying on its feet, only a stellar bout at Halloween Havoc ’98 can hope to keep things afloat. The opening bell sounds and, 14 tragic minutes later, The Hulkster covers Warrior after a feeble chairshot from his nephew, Horace Hogan. What should have been an amazing moment in WCW history is blessed relief, coming after one of the most tedious matches in modern memory. Yes, Hogan avenged his WrestleMania VI defeat – and therefore sated his Asia-sized ego – but at what cost?
Ten years on and both WCW and Hogan – for the time being, at least – have ceased to exist as wrestling entities. You could have been forgiven for thinking that Warrior’s wrestling days were also a thing of the past. For the past decade, little has been heard from Parts Unknown’s most famous resident – aside from the odd politically incorrect rant.
So why is it that, on 26 June 2008, we found ourselves entering our credit card details on Warrior’s website to watch the 49-year-old wrestle a former WWE midcarder, in a title match being held in Spain by Italian indy outfit Nu Wrestling Evolution? What could have driven the former WWE Champion to return to a business that he has often seemed ambivalent towards, and frequently expressed downright loathing for?
A few short months ago, the wrestling world was saying goodbye to a true great in the shape of Ric Flair. So why do we find ourselves saying hello again to The Ultimate Warrior?
DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK… PLEASE
When it was announced that Warrior would pull on his armbands one more time, fans the world over wondered what could have driven him to such drastic action. Famously shrewd, it was hard to believe it was because he needed the money. Not that he wouldn’t have been well compensated for his return – this is a man who’s been known to charge in excess of $20,000 for an interview. Still, over the years, Warrior has had sufficient big paydays and set up enough shrewd investments to leave him financially secure.
If it wasn’t money, then was it an ego thing? Was it an attempt to snatch the spotlight from the recently retired Flair, a man who revealed his distaste for Warrior in WWE’s hatchet-job documentary The Self-Destruction Of The Ultimate Warrior? Or was it simply a chance to allow his young daughters to see what their daddy did before he took to spending his days ranting about homosexuals on the internet?
Warrior’s family was certainly a big part of the entertainment that night in Barcelona, his kids even joining him in the ring before the bell sounded. Watching their old man at work that night, you can’t help thinking that a better parent might have spared his darlings the sight of their father hobbling around the ring, gasping for air like an asthmatic Shar Pei.
While Flair might have started to look his age long before the end of his career, he still knew how to work a match. By contrast, you wouldn’t fancy the creaky Warrior’s chances of making it safely down a flight of stairs.
For those who resisted the not-terribly-attractive opportunity to pay rather a lot of money to watch a guy who hadn’t worked a match for a decade and wasn’t the best worker in the first place beat up a glorified WWE enhancement guy, now’s as good a time as any to point out that Warrior versus Orlando Jordan (sadly unused tagline: “This One Really Is Personal”) wasn’t one for the ages.
The main event began with OJ getting a decent reaction from the fans, who proceeded to bombard him and his comely valet with tickertape. Jordan then took to the ring where said valet helped him get undressed – which must be rather embarrassing for a man in his late twenties – at which point Warrior’s music cut in. Of course, with WWE owning the rights to Warrior Wildfire, it’s not a familiar track, but the screaming guitars and bounding drums are enough to let us know that the one-time Jim Hellwig is on the way.
MATCH OF THE QUEER – SORRY, YEAR
And there he is, hobbling to the ring rather like Jeff Hardy does whenever he aggravates his old heel injuries. Sporting gold facepaint and one of those full-length airbrushed coats, he sort of looks like The Ultimate Warrior. All that’s missing are a few pounds of muscle and that long, flowing, dirty-blonde hair. The years having caught up with him – Warrior is now the proud owner of a Clooney-esque salt-and-pepper crew cut.
And what does the sizeable crowd make of Warrior’s in-ring arrival, following a ten-year absence? Not much, as it happens. The fans are none too impressed by the early exchanges, either, consisting of Jordan selling like Ricky Steamboat while Warrior hands out the sort of punches that even John Cena might consider a tad feeble.
Then, after a number of a body checks and a nearly-blown hiptoss (a move that counts as a highspot in the context of this bout), we’re treated to week-long rest holds as Warrior sucks in so much air that the first three rows are in danger of passing out. Naturally Jordan eventually gets the upper hand but, since Warrior’s lack of psychology leaves him unwilling to sell, he shrugs off the shots the way a lion might dismiss an insect.
No sooner has Jordan failed to get the upper hand than it’s time for the grand finale. First up we get the rope shaking, which might have looked better were the ropes not so slack that they resemble rubber bands. Then there are the signature multiple clotheslines, which even Hornswoggle would have a hard time selling convincingly.
Finally, with the crowd as close to getting on their feet as they’ve been all match, Warrior – instead of performing his patented gorilla press, big splash or flying tackle – meekly shoulderblocks Jordan and covers him for the one, two, three. The fans, being a generous bunch, go mad. Still, you have to wonder how many of them on the way home started to wonder whether it had really been worth shelling out so many Euros for (we were, that’s for sure).
REBUILDING THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR
If the psychology was shocking, the finish anticlimactic and Warrior’s cardio an absolute joke, anyone who witnessed this comeback bout will at least have been impressed by his Masters Of The Universe physique. Of course, you do have to wonder how a man of his fairly advanced years was able to turn himself into a fitted kitchen in the space of a few weeks.
When he debuted for NWE in April, at a show in Madrid, Warrior took to the ring in a jacket and tie – a wardrobe selection that suggests he wasn’t exactly at his buffest. In Barcelona, whatever it took to get him there and though smaller than at his peak, he had a body that wouldn’t look entirely out of place in today’s WWE.
Our man had also taken some intelligent steps to make sure that his return was a real wrestling event. These measures included setting up the aforementioned online pay-per-view site, which provided fans the opportunity to watch training videos and hype vignettes (featuring none other than his comeback coach, Rob Van Dam).
You could also bid on authentic pieces of Warrior merchandise, such as his sweat-stained workout singlet – look out for that one on future episodes of Cash In The Attic. And as a man who has long valued the power and importance of the spoken word, Warriorvision (as it should have been called) also provided his fans with a forum for their thoughts and opinions.
Sadly, but rather predictably, the “Warriors” (read: the lunatics’ lunatics) appear to have rather a lot in common with their hero. Take the user named Taskmaster (please), an acolyte who was none too impressed with footage of Orlando Jordan strutting around with his entourage.
“Why is that homo Orlando Jordan paying those dingbats to hang out with him? I’m guessing those dingbats are being paid, unless they are trying to get him to switch teams and be a real man. He is admittedly gay so I’m surprised that he doesn’t have a couple pool boys giving him towels and whatnot! Feel The Power!!!!!!!” Yep, nothing underlines the importance of a point you might be making than seven exclamation marks.
HOMOPHOBIA > HULKAMANIA
As sad as this bigotry is, it was bound to happen if someone as homophobic as Warrior was booked to feud with someone as festive as Orlando Jordan. And you don’t have to be too bright to realise that Warrior’s opinions and Jordan’s lifestyle were a major reason for matching the athletes in the first place. Please feel free to insert your own rant about the imbecility of the wrestling industry at this juncture.
As unimaginative and as abhorrent as the booking might be, the idea of pairing an old hand with a young buck is very much in keeping with the philosophy of NWE. Rather like Jimmy Hart, Greg Valentine and Brian Knobbs’ XWF, the Italian organisation has a (short) history of pitting established stars such as Scott Steiner, Vampiro and Rikishi against up-and-comers like The Black Pearl (of the Anoa’i clan), Romeo Roselli (formerly one half of WWE’s Heart Throbs) and ROH’s Matt Cross.
It’s not a particularly challenging approach, but it’s one that reveals a keenness to give young talent an opportunity. And if you’re attracting – and keeping happy – the likes of Steiner and Juventud Guerrera (NWE’s reigning Cruiserweight Champion), things are clearly pretty cool on the compensation side of things.
However, with Warrior rescinding the NWE Title within minutes of winning it (bet the bookers appreciated that) it would seem again that money – at least in the short term – isn’t his biggest concern. So we’re back to that original question: why has a guy who’s never professed much love for professional wrestling returned to the ring a decade after he so ignominiously left it?
A WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT?
Scanning the various ramblings that emanated from Warrior Towers in the run-up to his return, one pronouncement in particular immediately grabs the attention. After slagging off Dave Batista for pinching his shaking-the-ropes routine, Warrior told the folks at KISW Seattle that: “When it’s your 25th wedding anniversary, you’ve got to do something that’s significant, that stands out from all the other anniversaries. Warrior versus McMahon, Wrestlemania XXV – that would be awesome.”
“Awesome” is certainly one word for it. “Highly unlikely” and “bowling shoe-ugly” would seem equally fitting. Already dismissed as the rantings of a madman by Jim Ross, there are any number of reasons why Vince McMahon might nix this ever-so gracious offer. For one thing, and as he mentioned in his radio interview, Warrior is currently suing WWE over the Self-Destruction DVD. And then there’s that history of no-showing events and refusing to wrestle unless his fees are inflated.
Yep, there are plenty of reasons for the speculation remaining just that – except, among all the madness, Warrior does make a few decent points. Wrestlemania XXV must be a landmark show, if only to make up for 2008’s miserable ratings thus far. And speaking of the decline in viewing figures, Vince needs to think of new ways to attract an audience – and heck, if giving away your personal fortune and staging your own death (again!) doesn’t bring in the punters, you’ve really got to start thinking outside the box.
Although McMahon versus Warrior wouldn’t be a barnburner as far as in-ring action is concerned, the legitimate heat that exists between the two could prove a strong PPV selling point. And even if it wasn’t widely known that the two man can’t stand one another, the fact remains that no matter how ridiculous his pronouncements, how laughable his act or how lousy his wrestling skills, The Ultimate Warrior was – and, to some extent, still is – a hugely compelling figure.
DRAW-STRUCITY
For evidence, look no further than the Self-Destruction documentary. If you’ve recently seen a crowd as hot as they were back in Warrior’s prime, you sure as hell haven’t been watching WWE television. What’s more, while the old gibbers might merrily bury the Warrior, it’s interesting to note that, when asked for their opinions, the younger superstars – Edge, Christian, Jericho – just can’t hide their passion and admiration for the deacon of Destrucity.
It’s also worth noting that, while Hulk Hogan’s Memphis Wrestling appearance struggled to draw a heavily papered few-thousand fans, Warrior attracted an announced 14,000 (mostly children) in Barcelona. A bout to resurrect WWE’s failing fortunes, then? Well, maybe. There is, however, another reason for Vince to take on Warrior that has nothing to do with buyrates or revenge.
Over the years, we’ve all had a lot of fun watching Vince attempting to wrestle. Awkward to the point of ungainliness, it is only his courage (a byproduct of his immense arrogance) that has prevented people laughing him right out of the building. That might change, however, if he wrestled The Ultimate Warrior; while he might be the wrong side of 65, it’s hard to imagine Vince looking any worse than Warrior did on that hot summer’s night in Spain…
For the rest of this feature, check out issue 30 of FSM – available at WH Smith and all good retailers. (For US readers we are now carried at Borders and Barnes & Noble, so check for local availability or click here to subscribe.)
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